The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
You Might Also Like
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.