Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
🙂🙃🥹
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
This forever.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Oh deer
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The Others (2001)
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.