this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???