My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”