I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn鈥檛 very happy about it, but it was time.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can鈥檛 find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what鈥檚 the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Oh thanks BBC.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
It鈥檚 like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?