I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Britain be like
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.