Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.