figuring out my emotional availability:
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
No regrets in 2018
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*