I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
You Might Also Like
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
SPLOOT
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Hotels are back
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”