Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Ummm
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.