When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
How your email finds me
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.