fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird