Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*