Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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My first child will be named New Folder.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
It be like that sometimes 😆
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.