My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me too 😆
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?