Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
my fav colour is also hitler
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.