Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35