You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I like crazy people until they notice me
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
OMG 🤣🤣
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.