We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
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me, too, girl. me, too.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
This kid is going places