My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
What
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth