[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
You Might Also Like
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I thought this was funny lol
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*