Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys