I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman