Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it