I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.