Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My circle of trust is a meatball
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once