The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.