I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.