Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?