The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
who wants to go expliring
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
he chose this
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires