Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady