When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
This might be me.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?