My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Anime is real
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.