This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
These 3D printers are insane!
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting