“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
United Steaks of America
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
no cat here
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later