UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.