Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me driving through Toronto
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected