I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Name this drama.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava