I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
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Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.