I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.