[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail