Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.