I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight