I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
fr
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: