My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.