just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
A saltwater crocodile鈥檚 bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who鈥檒l you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there鈥檚 nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 馃檪
ramses: oh you son of a-
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it鈥檚 fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can鈥檛 see the words behind it
WORD: 馃檨
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 馃檪
ME: it鈥檚 still there
WORD: which was your favorite 馃槓
Best goalkeeper.. 馃槄
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous