One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
You Might Also Like
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.