I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Bro what is this
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.