“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
You Might Also Like
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”