Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa