Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Well, that didn’t work.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭